Family.

That word is supposed to be filled with love and acceptance.

Sadly, in my case, it is filled with back-stabbing, anger, jealousy, and resentment.

From what I can gather when one person marries another his/her family accepts the spouse to be one of their own not an outsider. This person is accepted with love and respect. Yet here I am wondering where my family went wrong.

Let me explain a little bit more.

You see, every spouse (those of my siblings and myself) has been ridiculed, degraded, and/or hated at some point in each of his or her lives while in this family. It is not because of how they do things or how they act. It is because these individuals are "outsiders". The saddest part is that the majority of the instigation begins with the matriarch and patriarch of my family.

My parents.

I have been married for 13 years at the time I am writing this and there is one constant comment I have received from my parents. That is the one concerning their dislike of my wife. I love my wife to death. I think she is wonderful and I am guessing that is why they have such a distaste for her. Over the years of my marriage there have been times, on more than one occasion, that my parents have tried to coerce my wife and I into getting a divorce.

What kind of love is this? How can a parent try to destroy the marriage of his or her own child? How is this love?

Now I can see it if a spouse is abusive or unfaithful and they want to protect them from the hurt but this is not the case with me. My wife and I do are happy together.

Do we get on each other's nerves? YES

Do we get angry with each other? YES

These things are normal in a relationship because we are two individual people living out our lives with each other and there are times we don't agree. This does not mean we are not happy.

Do we hit each other? NO

Do we cheat on each other? NO

Well, we must be doing something right if we cherish and respect each other enough to not knock the crap out of the other. We also have remained faithful in our 13 years together. I mean, I must be doing something right. *wink*wink*

Here is my confusion. Why do they destroy something so sacred as what "family" should be?

I mean, I love my parents to death but if I continue my life around them then I am afraid they will destroy it.

If you can answer that last question please let me know.

Dear God,

     I know we have not spoken much lately. I also know that my life has been in a downward spiral for quite a while now. My faith has been shaken and I wish I could put a finger on when it started. I know that a major turning point for me was when I had to leave Bible College. I just knew that this was the correct path and I would fulfill my dreams. That did not happen. I ended up going to work in a field I enjoy but it was not what I wanted. Now I work more hours than I care to trying to make money to pay for things to survive on. I do not mean to sound ungrateful for my job but I just want to be able to spend time with my family.

     We made a major move this year by moving to the coast and that turned into a major flop. It cost me almost everything. I say that because I almost ended my life down there. It did get better after we hit rock bottom but it cost us so much more. My oldest, who is my step-daughter, moved in with grandparents and now doesn't want to be a part of our lives unless she needs money. My family is falling apart. There is the issues with my parents, the discord with a sibling's spouse, and the unspoken fact that no one wants to be around anyone else. I just feel alone.

     I have no one to turn to. Others point me to you but I don't think you are there anymore. I know you did not leave me. I know this because I have slowly walked away from you. My heart is empty. My soul is lost. I am failing in this life. There is so much I want to say but cannot put into words. No one would want to listen anyway. Some will say I am having a pity party and others will say I only need Jesus. Maybe if they would just take the time to listen instead of giving their so called good advice they would know what is wrong.

     I just want to be happy again.


Signed,
BrokenOne

It was recently pointed out that I am obese.

As if I did not know this.

Maybe the X's at the beginning of my shirt size should have been a clue to me. My employer decided it best that I should be notified of this breaking development. I, on the other hand, did not appreciate their willingness to point out the painfully obvious.

All is well now after discussing my dissatisfaction with HR and the Administrator. They promise to not bring it up anymore.

This just builds on top of a terrible two months I have experienced. The fear, stress, and feelings of failure have led me down the road of depression. Even flirting with the idea of suicide.

I am not going to do something so drastic but I do need to do something drastic. I need to change. I am not sure how or even what, except for needing to buy new underwear, but just something.

I am open to suggestions.

You see, my oldest son is a lot like me.

His hair, his nose, his eyes, and right down to the glasses.

I have heard a good bit lately about the torment he has went through at school with bullies. My heart breaks with every word. Maybe it is because I can relate. The name calling, the hitting, or just the verbal threats. All of it was terrible for me so I know how he feels. As of late he told me about kids calling him a "nerd". As an adult I do not see the threat or feel the hurt of this word. I do remember the pain as a child.

Being called names meant you were an outcast. It meant you were not accepted. This is painful to kids (adults as well). They feel rejected and less of a person. Kids want nothing more than to be accepted by their peers. They want friends. This is part of the reason why they call everyone they meet their friends. They do not see color, social, or financial status. They see people who are like them and want to share in a relationship of happiness and fun. This possibility is stripped away when the name calling or bullying starts.

My son is loving, compassionate, and smart. He wears glasses like me, his Dad. He likes to take apart computers. Yes, by some people's standards he may be a nerd but he is my nerd. I am a nerd. I love him for that because I see myself in him. I see a boy who will grow up intelligent, loving, and friendly. I see a boy who will grow up to be a better man than I am. It is just sad that his heart has to be broken because people can not look past his glasses.

Logan, you are my best friend. I will always cherish the day you were born. I love you!

Now that I have climbed out of the spinning vortex that some people call life. You know! The vortex that drains all signs of energy and emotion that is within you.

You get it now don't you?

Uh huh... I knew you would understand.

Anywho... two days ago my wife celebrated her 31st........ (Ow!)........ okay, okay........her 29th birthday. (We all know how old she is.)

Even though I did not get to do as much as I would like to have for her she still humored me and said it was a good birthday. My biggest concern was for what came up today, two days after her birthday. It was on this day, March 12, four years ago that her dad was called home. It was a sorrowful time for all of us. He was a loving and God loving man. His family was truly blessed by his life. I was truly blessed by his life.

We all miss him dearly. The main thing that bothers us is that he is not here to share his love with the grandkids he loved so much.

L.T., we miss you and thank our Father in heaven that we were able to share this life with you.

To quote a phrase my wife uses, "Happy heavenly birthday, Daddy!"

Saturday was fun to some extent. Logan and I went to lunch at a local Chinese and sushi place. He wanted to try sushi so I told him to have at it but he couldn't have any shrimp. So, he did what anyone would do. He politely asked for something with chicken in it. He was a happy camper after that. He said he liked he but he did not eat all of it. That little man can put away some food.

After eating we headed up to Toys R Us for him to get his present. He just knew what he was going in after before we got there. After walking inside his poor little mind suddenly turned indecisive. After walking around for what seemed like hours to me he finally settled on something. He picked out a $30 Halo remote controlled helicopter. Now, I was almost excited about playing with it as he was but I didn't let him know that. He did get a little impatient because I refused to buy the batteries there and insisted on going somewhere else cheaper. Dollar store to the rescue!

We get the new toys home and tear in to the box. After charging the little machine we set out to fly it.

You know the box says it is easy to fly...

Well, they lied!!

That thing went all over the place and flipped and flopped after hitting the wall and slamming to the floor. My neighbor pointed out that it looked like a horse fly buzzing around but I say it looked like a locust flopping on the ground. Either way it was difficult.

After playing with it, or trying to, it finally ceased to fly. During all of its flopping and crashing something must have messed up. Anyway, I will attempt to do the fatherly thing and try to fix it but I can not promise anything. I think I was more disappointed than he was.

Tomorrow is August 21, 2010.

This day is special because it is my oldest son's birthday. It is hard to believe 9 years have passed since the first time I saw him in the operating room. The poor fella looked so much like me. I cherished every moment with him when we took him home. I helped feed, bathe, and change him. I would lay him on my chest and pat on his diaper until he went to sleep. He was so sweet and a little weird. He refused to sleep any where else but his own bed. He is still a little weird that way except now he only wants to use our bathroom and no one else's.

He is growing up. He has his friends and loves playing video games. He is smart and can be a little irritating. What can I say, he is just like me. His ideal birthday tomorrow is to go with me to eat Chinese food and buy his present. I feel so honored that he wants to spend the day with me but sad because Lisa feels left out. Such a tough road that his is on growing to be a man. My only wish for him in his life is to be a better man than I am.

I want him to be more faithful to God, more trust worthy to others, and to work harder. I know he will be a good man because he has a great heart.

Logan, I love you and will forever be proud of you. Happy birthday!