It was recently pointed out that I am obese.

As if I did not know this.

Maybe the X's at the beginning of my shirt size should have been a clue to me. My employer decided it best that I should be notified of this breaking development. I, on the other hand, did not appreciate their willingness to point out the painfully obvious.

All is well now after discussing my dissatisfaction with HR and the Administrator. They promise to not bring it up anymore.

This just builds on top of a terrible two months I have experienced. The fear, stress, and feelings of failure have led me down the road of depression. Even flirting with the idea of suicide.

I am not going to do something so drastic but I do need to do something drastic. I need to change. I am not sure how or even what, except for needing to buy new underwear, but just something.

I am open to suggestions.

You see, my oldest son is a lot like me.

His hair, his nose, his eyes, and right down to the glasses.

I have heard a good bit lately about the torment he has went through at school with bullies. My heart breaks with every word. Maybe it is because I can relate. The name calling, the hitting, or just the verbal threats. All of it was terrible for me so I know how he feels. As of late he told me about kids calling him a "nerd". As an adult I do not see the threat or feel the hurt of this word. I do remember the pain as a child.

Being called names meant you were an outcast. It meant you were not accepted. This is painful to kids (adults as well). They feel rejected and less of a person. Kids want nothing more than to be accepted by their peers. They want friends. This is part of the reason why they call everyone they meet their friends. They do not see color, social, or financial status. They see people who are like them and want to share in a relationship of happiness and fun. This possibility is stripped away when the name calling or bullying starts.

My son is loving, compassionate, and smart. He wears glasses like me, his Dad. He likes to take apart computers. Yes, by some people's standards he may be a nerd but he is my nerd. I am a nerd. I love him for that because I see myself in him. I see a boy who will grow up intelligent, loving, and friendly. I see a boy who will grow up to be a better man than I am. It is just sad that his heart has to be broken because people can not look past his glasses.

Logan, you are my best friend. I will always cherish the day you were born. I love you!

Now that I have climbed out of the spinning vortex that some people call life. You know! The vortex that drains all signs of energy and emotion that is within you.

You get it now don't you?

Uh huh... I knew you would understand.

Anywho... two days ago my wife celebrated her 31st........ (Ow!)........ okay, okay........her 29th birthday. (We all know how old she is.)

Even though I did not get to do as much as I would like to have for her she still humored me and said it was a good birthday. My biggest concern was for what came up today, two days after her birthday. It was on this day, March 12, four years ago that her dad was called home. It was a sorrowful time for all of us. He was a loving and God loving man. His family was truly blessed by his life. I was truly blessed by his life.

We all miss him dearly. The main thing that bothers us is that he is not here to share his love with the grandkids he loved so much.

L.T., we miss you and thank our Father in heaven that we were able to share this life with you.

To quote a phrase my wife uses, "Happy heavenly birthday, Daddy!"

Saturday was fun to some extent. Logan and I went to lunch at a local Chinese and sushi place. He wanted to try sushi so I told him to have at it but he couldn't have any shrimp. So, he did what anyone would do. He politely asked for something with chicken in it. He was a happy camper after that. He said he liked he but he did not eat all of it. That little man can put away some food.

After eating we headed up to Toys R Us for him to get his present. He just knew what he was going in after before we got there. After walking inside his poor little mind suddenly turned indecisive. After walking around for what seemed like hours to me he finally settled on something. He picked out a $30 Halo remote controlled helicopter. Now, I was almost excited about playing with it as he was but I didn't let him know that. He did get a little impatient because I refused to buy the batteries there and insisted on going somewhere else cheaper. Dollar store to the rescue!

We get the new toys home and tear in to the box. After charging the little machine we set out to fly it.

You know the box says it is easy to fly...

Well, they lied!!

That thing went all over the place and flipped and flopped after hitting the wall and slamming to the floor. My neighbor pointed out that it looked like a horse fly buzzing around but I say it looked like a locust flopping on the ground. Either way it was difficult.

After playing with it, or trying to, it finally ceased to fly. During all of its flopping and crashing something must have messed up. Anyway, I will attempt to do the fatherly thing and try to fix it but I can not promise anything. I think I was more disappointed than he was.

Tomorrow is August 21, 2010.

This day is special because it is my oldest son's birthday. It is hard to believe 9 years have passed since the first time I saw him in the operating room. The poor fella looked so much like me. I cherished every moment with him when we took him home. I helped feed, bathe, and change him. I would lay him on my chest and pat on his diaper until he went to sleep. He was so sweet and a little weird. He refused to sleep any where else but his own bed. He is still a little weird that way except now he only wants to use our bathroom and no one else's.

He is growing up. He has his friends and loves playing video games. He is smart and can be a little irritating. What can I say, he is just like me. His ideal birthday tomorrow is to go with me to eat Chinese food and buy his present. I feel so honored that he wants to spend the day with me but sad because Lisa feels left out. Such a tough road that his is on growing to be a man. My only wish for him in his life is to be a better man than I am.

I want him to be more faithful to God, more trust worthy to others, and to work harder. I know he will be a good man because he has a great heart.

Logan, I love you and will forever be proud of you. Happy birthday!

When I say GPS I mean God's Positioning System.

I have lost myself somewhere along the way. No wait, I think I left it at WC. For some reason when I withdraw from there I left part of myself. Not the clumsy, smart-mouthed, or procrastinating part of me but the most important part of me.

My spiritual self.

To take from Scripture, I have forgotten my first Love. That is a place in life I don't want to be. I have neglected His word. I have neglected my prayer life. I have even neglected my role as the spiritual leader in my home. I have lost my way.

I have put education and work in front of everything. All for the sake of financial decisions. Well, you know what? I believe I need to change all of that. I am thinking of finishing out the semester and taking a much needed hiatus from school. I need to shift my focus on the important things in life. I need to find myself again. I know that if I can find the person I lost, the person that is a child of God then the rest will follow.

Do we look at God's Sovereignty as control?

There is no question as to whether God is Sovereign. After all, He is God. He is Creator of all things. He can calm the storm, He can part the waters, and He can heal the sick. He is God. My question comes in this aspect of our lives. How much control does God allow us to have over our own lives? Stop and consider this for a second. For those that believe that the events in the Garden of Eden are literal (and I am not stating my view on this) then did God, in His Sovereignty, control this moment in time? If not, then did Adam and Eve have the free will to decide for themselves which action to take? Afterwards, with Cain and Abel, did God control this event as well or was it the act of a free willed person?

In some sense these may come to you as being clear answers.

Okay, let's consider this then. If God controls all aspects of our life, as in a plan and we will follow it, then where does that put our free will? Where does that put that right to choose for ourselves?

To complicate matters even more let's take a look at a few more historical figures.

Moses, did he choose to go back to Egypt according to God's command or was His life directed to do so? Nehemiah, did he choose to play his part in the rebuilding of the wall in Jerusalem or was it God's guiding? I am not saying God had no part in the roles these men played in these events but did God in essence "control" their lives or did they heed His guidance and choose to follow?

I am going to step out on a limb here... was it God who directed Judas to turn Jesus over to be crucified or did he choose to do that himself? I know that these events had to take place in order to what was right. What if Judas had not choose to do what he did? (Here is a side question, "Did God choose Judas because He knew that he was capable of doing such a task?)

I come from a background where it was taught that God is in control of everything. That He has a Will for every one's life and it will work out in the end according to the way He sees fit. My question is, "Where is free will in that?" I am not questioning God's Sovereignty. I am not saying He is not Lord over all creation. I am merely asking where does His Will stop and our will start?

I believe that the course change in my life that has taken place recently has made me ask myself these questions. Some may say they are heretical or blasphemy and I apologize if I come across this way. I am just trying to understand where I am and where I am going right now.